Lent day 21

greetings!

we are over halfway home for the 40 days of lent...

two things on my mind tonight...

[1] revisiting one of my greatest breakthroughs in my growing up and recovery...

it was over a year ago now...

my spiritual director confronted me with a question...

in front of god and everybody...

right in the middle of one of my whining sprees about failures in love...

my failures in loving...

the failures of others to really love me...

the church confusing me about the really good news of god's radical and unconditional love...

poor, poor, pitiful me...

my laundry list came out...

going down the list of those whose withheld affection or toxic love had hurt me...

left me as damaged goods...

i was wearing out that old tape...

what i coulda done...

what i shoulda done...

what i oughta done...

jim interupted me [thankfully]...

maybe he was tired of hearing it...

i was getting tired of rehearsing it [and never getting unstuck and moving forward]...

"maybe you did the best you could with what you had to work with at the time???"

"maybe everybody else did the best they could do with what they had to work with at the time???"

"maybe..."

could it be???

i could leave the past behind...

move to the present...

live in the moment...

focus on TODAY...

maybe i was the best father i could be at that time...

maybe i was using all the resources that i had at that time...

maybe my dad was doing all he could do with what he had at that time...

maybe i was the best husband i could be at that time...

maybe i was using all the resources at my disposal at that stage in my development...

maybe...

so what???

maybe i should move forward with...

no excuses...

no regrets...

no shame...

no guilt...

no condemnation...

for me...

or others...

making amends is right on...

restitution is wise...

saying sorry...meaning it...then moving on...

moving on...

a better dad...

growing in love...

a more grace-filled son...

a better husband...

growing in love...

finally growing up at mid-life...

not cursing what i have not been...

but, developing new skills which will release me to be a blessing to others...

making the most of what i am becoming...

it is a better journey...

note the following thought from nouwen on "reflecting god's perfect love"...

"God's love for us is everlasting.

That means that God's love for us existed before we were born and will exist after we have died.

It is an eternal love in which we are embraced.

Living a spiritual life calls us to claim that eternal love for ourselves so that we can live our temporal loves - for parents, brothers, sisters, teachers, friends, spouses, and all people who become part of our lives - as reflections or refractions of God's eternal love.

No fathers or mothers can love their children perfectly.

No husbands or wives can love each other with unlimited love.

There is no human love that is not broken somewhere.

When our broken love is the only love we can have, we are easily thrown into despair, but when we can live our broken love as a partial reflection of God's perfect, unconditional love, we can forgive one another our limitations and enjoy together the love we have to offer."

no human love is perfect...

all our best attempts are stained by our brokenness...

let's move forward...

making the most of who we are becoming...

if i can do this [with help and support]...

SO CAN YOU...

[2] lessons from today...

i will save this one for tomorrow...

goodnight...

guy