sunday...
15 march 2009...
9 p.m.
we are almost halfway through lent 2009 -- tomorrow is day 20!
tonight, i am reflecting on turning 50 -- this week...
here is the reflection i just wrote for my CPE [clinical pastoral education] class...
I am turning 50 this Thursday…
It is Sunday night and I am sitting alone in our living room with a glass of red wine [for my cardiac health of course] winding down from a hectic weekend and trying to sort out just how I feel about this week’s birthday. Wish it wasn’t so hot – I would love to have a fire in the fireplace…
Today is day 19 of the 40 days of the Lenten Season 2009. I have been deeply reflecting on Henri Nouwen’s daily readings in his provocative little book "Show Me the Way" – each day his insights have freshly spoken to me. But not today – we didn’t connect. My words for today came from the musical prophet Jimmy Buffet on his CD "License to Chill". He grabbed me with his opening line: "It’s time for a change!" And he just wouldn’t let me go as he talked about "days precious days" and "letting the chips fall where they will" and "keeping hope afloat" and "sailing for those distant shores" and "I’ve got a boat to build" [I heard in that last lyric the reality that I still have work to do that means something]. But it was track 3 that nailed me spiritually: "I can’t see the future but I know it’s coming fast and it’s not that hard to wind up knee deep in the past…" Jimmy has me quite mellow and ready to reflect…
So, how do I feel about turning 50?
I feel some regret. I don’t think I even stopped to think about the really important stuff in life until my late forties – stuff like being a nurturing husband, an engaged dad, a faithful friend, etc. By the time I woke up, I was laying in ICU after a heart attack and trying to evaluate the collateral damage to my family, my calling and my soul. Sounds like I have wound up "knee deep in the past!" But I have moved on from this shame. I did the best I could with what I had at the time [for my first 40+ years]. I now allow the past to be my teacher so the future will be different [and better]. God is gracious – Nancy is still here and we plan on growing more mature together, my boys and I are closer and more open than we have ever been and my spirit is growing again. And, I have accepted the fact that, no matter how much progress I make, I will still be human and that is OK for the rest of my life…
I feel some anger – it is probably rooted in some lingering fears and some brand new ones that are life-stage related. I have discovered that I do not mind "being dead", but I am still afraid "to die" – the process haunts me. After working with hospice for 3 years, I now have a list of ways I do NOT want to die – I beg God not to let me gasp for air with COPD, or fade away over several years with Alzheimer’s Disease winding up afraid of life-long caregivers and fighting them as they try to love me, or experience the torture of uncontrollable pain, or have other people change my adult briefs [saying diapers is just too much at this point]! I wonder how many more good years I’ve got – 20, 25, 30 or ??? – but tonight, I have a license to chill and the hope to grow old gracefully…
But mostly I feel joy! In actuality, I have reflected more on this birthday than any other I can remember – and, I am overjoyed with the future. As I walked today, I rehearsed my new spiritual ambitions for the future – to be a "sage" [one committed to gaining and sharing wisdom], a "spiritual father" [one committed to nurture the coming generations], an "encourager" [one committed to build people up in their day-to-day lives], a "spiritual friend" [one committed to sharing the journey with spiritual pilgrims who passionately desire to know God], a "prophet" [one who talks less and listens to God more – and humbly shares the right thing in the right spirit at just the right moment], and a "godly husband", "dad" and "bold Christ-follower"… Different goals than before. Much better goals for the rest of the journey. God is shaping and forming my desires. I am convinced there is "something" about men and 50 [OK maybe the range is 45-55] – it is our season for spiritual awakening and "growing up!" Contrary to popular opinion, I contend we DO "grow up" – just a little later in the process of life…
Enough for now – more later – I am ready for another glass of red wine and some more Buffet!
have a great week...
SHALOM...
guy
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