walking with a limp...

Older people limp…
Wounded people limp…
Human beings limp…
Real people limp…
I’ll be 50 later this year. I weigh more than any one human person should weigh [unless of course said behemoth is earning millions of dollars playing pro football in the NFL]. I trashed my knee in 1987 [when I was merely a kid at 28] and didn’t get around to having it patched until 2007 [no longer a kid at 48] – hey I’ve been busy living and stuff! My knee is much better now, but I limp – guess I always will?
Sometimes more – sometimes less…
I limp…
Jacob limped…
Do you remember his story in Genesis 32? Jacob had always been a crook and a scoundrel – even his Hebrew name meant deceiver or manipulator. But, he went a little too far when he ripped off his older and bigger brother Esau. His sins against his twin had haunted him for years – but they finally caught up with him at the Jabbok River crossing. Esau was coming… The very thought struck fear in Jacob’s heart…
What could Jacob do now?
He sent his entire entourage on ahead to meet Esau first – along with loads of gifts to appease his rougher and tougher sibling. Jacob stayed back – alone in the dark night. All by himself – except for the ghosts of his past treachery. And at least a ton of guilt and shame…
And then the wrestling match commenced. Did Jacob really wrestle with God? Maybe it was an angel? I am convinced Jacob spent the entire night wrestling with himself – his false self versus his true self. His false self shaped by idols – things we are all tempted to worship like identities shaped by what we do, what we have or what others think of us. His true self shaped by the imago Dei – the God-promise that we will one day become who we really are. We are the children of God and are in the process of becoming all our Father intends for us to be. And the battle raged between the true and the false…
For Jacob, the true self scored a victory and he was given a brand new name by God. No longer would he be labeled as deceiver or manipulator – he is now to be known as Israel, the God-Wrestler! But not just a new name, he was also marked by God – with a limp from a disjointed hip. He chose to name the place of encounter Peniel [face-to-face with God]. When the sun came up, Israel was ready to leave and face Esau – after all, he was now a new man – his true self was emerging… And, God blessed him…
Israel walked away – with a limp…
Israel limped…
I recently had a painful, but healthy and eye-opening encounter at my own Jabbok River crossing – like Jacob, I too host wrestling matches between my true and false self. Guess I needed to be reminded once again that I don’t just limp physically, I also limp spiritually…
I get plenty of kudos about being a faithful person. People tell me all the time that they love my loyalty to the people in my life – you are such a faithful person! You go the extra mile! Thank you for keeping your promises…
I like being perceived in this way…
It makes me feel so good – so spiritual!
Then, a couple of weeks back, I was meeting with a trusted friend – one who has a prophetic edge, apostolic giftings and values friendships enough to be brutally honest. Our time was going well, until my friend said: Guy, I love you, but I don’t always trust you. I was taken aback and asked where did that come from? He said: You have broken a couple of promises to me over the years and it hurt me – and it hurt other people as well!
I was shocked – this didn’t fit for me. Hasn’t he read my aforementioned press releases – I am a faithful person! So I said: Please help me remember? So he did and he was right on. I had broken a couple of promises – but I had not realized the hurt I had caused my friend and some of our common friends…
My first response came courtesy of my false self – it was called out and ready to tango! I immediately became defensive. Well, I may have – but I had my reasons – things you could not have even known about. My friend hung in with me: Yes, there were reasons, and I don’t hold it against you – I still love you, I just don’t trust you. You hurt me! You hurt others! Do you know how much pain your decisions brought to us?
My false self wanted to tie this conversation up with some inane and circular discussions about extenuating circumstances – maybe I can still wiggle out of this pain…
But then, my true self stepped up. I decided not to play games, but to face the relational music. Help me understand the hurt… And my friend cared enough to help me understand – we entered a deeper level of communication. I knew our relationship was not on the line here because we still deeply loved each other. What was on the line was the integrity and intimacy of our friendship – this was worth an investment of honesty and transparency…
And there was hurt, so I owned my broken promises – my unfaithfulness, my disloyalty! My true self came through – no excusing, no blaming, no withdrawing, no minimizing, no wallowing, no equivocating – the right thing to do was face it, repent for it and look for ways to make appropriate amends. We had a meeting of our hearts – we moved toward each other – healing was in the works – our journey was going to continue TOGETHER…
But the wrestling match was NOT over – my false self was not yet done. As I left, after doing what was best for our friendship [and for me] – I was overwhelmed by a dark cloud of guilt, shame and regret – almost hopelessness! As I was spiraling downward to the skubala pit, my true self shouted GRACE! That was the answer – receive God’s grace and keep on keeping on… God was not surprised at my sin – he wanted to forgive my sin and heal me…
So, I limped away – victorious!
I reflected on my broken promises later – what happened? The answer is really quite simple [even though I do not like it at all]! The root was selfishness. In each situation where a promise had been made, it became painful to honor the promise – so I searched and found alternatives which served ME better! Yes, there were understandable circumstances that sufficiently explained each decision [and even made them appear godly], but at the root of each was MY selfish bent. In the remarkably articulate [NOT!] but exceptionally representative commentary of that cultural prophet [maybe village idiot] Pacman Jones: I just love me some me! My selfish bent… Me and Pacman just livin’ the American dream – doin’ it our way!
In the midst of the fire – I did what was best for ME – and hurt others in the process. In retrospect, this breaks my heart and I humbly repent. I feel deep compassion for those I hurt. Now, I will make amends where I can and open myself to honest friendships within my community that will help to call forth my true self [rather than my false self].
I will limp, but I will limp in community…
Along with all the rest who limp as well…
Guess we all limp…
One afterword… Every valuable and humbling learning experience deserves a so what reflection – time invested in gaining wisdom that will alter future behavior. I will always limp, but I would prefer not to stumble [and fall] over this particular issue again. My reflection occurred in a quiet place when I faced an empty sheet of notebook paper in the presence of the Holy Spirit…
So what did I learn?
I make too many promises – probably more than I could ever really keep… So don’t make so many!
I make promises too quickly – before I really think things through – motivated too much by the runaway emotions of the moment… So think it through before committing!
I am selfish and avoid self-denial when promises get too tough to keep…
I did not sufficiently understand [or care about] the pain my broken promises caused the people I loved – I failed to count the cost… Think of the consequences for others – not just ME!
I have lost much [and others have lost much] as a result of my broken promises – BUT all this makes me treasure God’s GRACE even more [since God is faithful, loyal and keeps his promises regardless – he is sovereign and works his will despite my (or our) selfishness]…
I am full of good and bad at the very same time [I am human] – all the while I am breaking some promises, I am faithfully and loyally keeping other promises…
I must choose to plant and stand firm during hard times – refuse to allow selfishness and self-preservation to rob me of the value of learning obedience through the things I suffer! I will benefit from further study of the spiritual discipline of self-denial…
I most enjoy listening to the people who freely give me cheap grace [e.g. blessing whatever it is that I want to do]…
Rather than resent the people who call me on my unfaithfulness and disloyalty, I will treasure them as authentic friends who can help me grow – and I will welcome them in and listen to them.
The willfulness of my false self always follows its own desires – it refuses to surrender to Jesus and follow him… Don’t be a willful GOAT [according to Jesus]!
The willingness of my true self always follows Jesus – it values surrender and refuses to be imprisoned by my bent of selfishness… Be a willing SHEEP [according to Jesus]!
I have come to believe that the wrestling match between my true and false self will rage as long as I am breathing – I even catch myself fantasizing about being free from hard promises and just moving on in a way that is more to my liking…
In the ministry, are all pastoral moves some kind of broken promise? Do we blame our moves on God? Has it become just a part of the system?
It is not really possible to move on without amends…
How should I make amends where promises have been broken?
Who should I make amends to?
For what?
In what way?
When?
After appropriate amends, what should the renewed relationship look like?
I guess we will just limp away…
Cause we all limp…
Let’s limp TOGETHER…