Older people limp…
Wounded people limp…
Human beings limp…
Real people limp…
I’ll be 50 later this year. I weigh more than any one human person should weigh [unless of course said behemoth is earning millions of dollars playing pro football in the NFL]. I trashed my knee in 1987 [when I was merely a kid at 28] and didn’t get around to having it patched until 2007 [no longer a kid at 48] – hey I’ve been busy living and stuff! My knee is much better now, but I limp – guess I always will?
Sometimes more – sometimes less…
I limp…
Jacob limped…
Do you remember his story in Genesis 32? Jacob had always been a crook and a scoundrel – even his Hebrew name meant deceiver or manipulator. But, he went a little too far when he ripped off his older and bigger brother Esau. His sins against his twin had haunted him for years – but they finally caught up with him at the Jabbok River crossing. Esau was coming… The very thought struck fear in Jacob’s heart…
What could Jacob do now?
He sent his entire entourage on ahead to meet Esau first – along with loads of gifts to appease his rougher and tougher sibling. Jacob stayed back – alone in the dark night. All by himself – except for the ghosts of his past treachery. And at least a ton of guilt and shame…
And then the wrestling match commenced. Did Jacob really wrestle with God? Maybe it was an angel? I am convinced Jacob spent the entire night wrestling with himself – his false self versus his true self. His false self shaped by idols – things we are all tempted to worship like identities shaped by what we do, what we have or what others think of us. His true self shaped by the imago Dei – the God-promise that we will one day become who we really are. We are the children of God and are in the process of becoming all our Father intends for us to be. And the battle raged between the true and the false…
For Jacob, the true self scored a victory and he was given a brand new name by God. No longer would he be labeled as deceiver or manipulator – he is now to be known as Israel, the God-Wrestler! But not just a new name, he was also marked by God – with a limp from a disjointed hip. He chose to name the place of encounter Peniel [face-to-face with God]. When the sun came up, Israel was ready to leave and face Esau – after all, he was now a new man – his true self was emerging… And, God blessed him…
Israel walked away – with a limp…
Israel limped…
I recently had a painful, but healthy and eye-opening encounter at my own Jabbok River crossing – like Jacob, I too host wrestling matches between my true and false self. Guess I needed to be reminded once again that I don’t just limp physically, I also limp spiritually…
I get plenty of kudos about being a faithful person. People tell me all the time that they love my loyalty to the people in my life – you are such a faithful person! You go the extra mile! Thank you for keeping your promises…
I like being perceived in this way…
It makes me feel so good – so spiritual!
Then, a couple of weeks back, I was meeting with a trusted friend – one who has a prophetic edge, apostolic giftings and values friendships enough to be brutally honest. Our time was going well, until my friend said: Guy, I love you, but I don’t always trust you. I was taken aback and asked where did that come from? He said: You have broken a couple of promises to me over the years and it hurt me – and it hurt other people as well!
I was shocked – this didn’t fit for me. Hasn’t he read my aforementioned press releases – I am a faithful person! So I said: Please help me remember? So he did and he was right on. I had broken a couple of promises – but I had not realized the hurt I had caused my friend and some of our common friends…
My first response came courtesy of my false self – it was called out and ready to tango! I immediately became defensive. Well, I may have – but I had my reasons – things you could not have even known about. My friend hung in with me: Yes, there were reasons, and I don’t hold it against you – I still love you, I just don’t trust you. You hurt me! You hurt others! Do you know how much pain your decisions brought to us?
My false self wanted to tie this conversation up with some inane and circular discussions about extenuating circumstances – maybe I can still wiggle out of this pain…
But then, my true self stepped up. I decided not to play games, but to face the relational music. Help me understand the hurt… And my friend cared enough to help me understand – we entered a deeper level of communication. I knew our relationship was not on the line here because we still deeply loved each other. What was on the line was the integrity and intimacy of our friendship – this was worth an investment of honesty and transparency…
And there was hurt, so I owned my broken promises – my unfaithfulness, my disloyalty! My true self came through – no excusing, no blaming, no withdrawing, no minimizing, no wallowing, no equivocating – the right thing to do was face it, repent for it and look for ways to make appropriate amends. We had a meeting of our hearts – we moved toward each other – healing was in the works – our journey was going to continue TOGETHER…
But the wrestling match was NOT over – my false self was not yet done. As I left, after doing what was best for our friendship [and for me] – I was overwhelmed by a dark cloud of guilt, shame and regret – almost hopelessness! As I was spiraling downward to the skubala pit, my true self shouted GRACE! That was the answer – receive God’s grace and keep on keeping on… God was not surprised at my sin – he wanted to forgive my sin and heal me…
So, I limped away – victorious!
I reflected on my broken promises later – what happened? The answer is really quite simple [even though I do not like it at all]! The root was selfishness. In each situation where a promise had been made, it became painful to honor the promise – so I searched and found alternatives which served ME better! Yes, there were understandable circumstances that sufficiently explained each decision [and even made them appear godly], but at the root of each was MY selfish bent. In the remarkably articulate [NOT!] but exceptionally representative commentary of that cultural prophet [maybe village idiot] Pacman Jones: I just love me some me! My selfish bent… Me and Pacman just livin’ the American dream – doin’ it our way!
In the midst of the fire – I did what was best for ME – and hurt others in the process. In retrospect, this breaks my heart and I humbly repent. I feel deep compassion for those I hurt. Now, I will make amends where I can and open myself to honest friendships within my community that will help to call forth my true self [rather than my false self].
I will limp, but I will limp in community…
Along with all the rest who limp as well…
Guess we all limp…
One afterword… Every valuable and humbling learning experience deserves a so what reflection – time invested in gaining wisdom that will alter future behavior. I will always limp, but I would prefer not to stumble [and fall] over this particular issue again. My reflection occurred in a quiet place when I faced an empty sheet of notebook paper in the presence of the Holy Spirit…
So what did I learn?
I make too many promises – probably more than I could ever really keep… So don’t make so many!
I make promises too quickly – before I really think things through – motivated too much by the runaway emotions of the moment… So think it through before committing!
I am selfish and avoid self-denial when promises get too tough to keep…
I did not sufficiently understand [or care about] the pain my broken promises caused the people I loved – I failed to count the cost… Think of the consequences for others – not just ME!
I have lost much [and others have lost much] as a result of my broken promises – BUT all this makes me treasure God’s GRACE even more [since God is faithful, loyal and keeps his promises regardless – he is sovereign and works his will despite my (or our) selfishness]…
I am full of good and bad at the very same time [I am human] – all the while I am breaking some promises, I am faithfully and loyally keeping other promises…
I must choose to plant and stand firm during hard times – refuse to allow selfishness and self-preservation to rob me of the value of learning obedience through the things I suffer! I will benefit from further study of the spiritual discipline of self-denial…
I most enjoy listening to the people who freely give me cheap grace [e.g. blessing whatever it is that I want to do]…
Rather than resent the people who call me on my unfaithfulness and disloyalty, I will treasure them as authentic friends who can help me grow – and I will welcome them in and listen to them.
The willfulness of my false self always follows its own desires – it refuses to surrender to Jesus and follow him… Don’t be a willful GOAT [according to Jesus]!
The willingness of my true self always follows Jesus – it values surrender and refuses to be imprisoned by my bent of selfishness… Be a willing SHEEP [according to Jesus]!
I have come to believe that the wrestling match between my true and false self will rage as long as I am breathing – I even catch myself fantasizing about being free from hard promises and just moving on in a way that is more to my liking…
In the ministry, are all pastoral moves some kind of broken promise? Do we blame our moves on God? Has it become just a part of the system?
It is not really possible to move on without amends…
How should I make amends where promises have been broken?
Who should I make amends to?
For what?
In what way?
When?
After appropriate amends, what should the renewed relationship look like?
I guess we will just limp away…
Cause we all limp…
Let’s limp TOGETHER…
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Tribute to Danny
Dan died last Tuesday…
He began simply as my patient – 42 years old battling a male version of breast cancer that had metastasized throughout his entire body. But, after two years, Danny became my friend. A truly close friend – we mutually valued each other. When I was down, I usually headed his way for a visit.
Dan was a fighter – the powers that be in the medical world had told him he had six months to live – that was three years ago. But we knew something was wrong in mid-December – suddenly he lost his vision. The brain tumor was growing – it was pressing against his optic nerve. Right after the holidays he would need some palliative radiation to shrink the tumor. He had crashed before, but he always came back – Danny was the comeback kid…
Last weekend, he continued to worsen and wound up in the SCC HH 24. I just happened to be covering the HH for the last three days of 2008 since Bob was on vacation. Dan was the first person on my Monday morning list. I was shocked! Danny’s decline was remarkable! Suddenly the truth hit me like a ton of bricks – there wasn’t going to be a comeback this time. I was blessed to spend a lot of time with Danny and his family throughout the day as he slipped into an unconscious stupor.
I went directly to Cranberry #10 on Tuesday morning. A bunch of Dan’s family from Indiana had arrived and were sitting with him. He was gurgling as he fought for each breath – the death rattle. I sat with him until about 11 a.m. and then I went to visit other patients. I had a sinking feeling when the nurse came and got me – a crisis in #10. Danny died at 11.40 a.m. His family was gathered around – we hung out together until the body was picked up at 3 p.m. We told stories, we laughed and we cried together. Our hearts were broken – Danny was too young to die. And then, the family began to thank me! Danny talked about you all the time – he was a different person after he met you! We had given up on him – we had no contact – and you helped to bring him back into our lives. THANK YOU! I found it impossible to fight back the tears throughout the rest of the day…
So why did Danny get to me so deeply?
There were many reasons, but one stood out from all the others…
Danny really did change!
As recently as one year ago, he was scheduled to come to our house for Christmas dinner because he was so estranged from his family – no one wanted him around! When he wound up homeless last year, no one opened a door for him. What a difference a year makes! This year, Danny shared both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. His sister invited him to move into her house. And he died on December 30 surrounded by family and friends…
What brought about the change?
I trace it back to a kairos moment at the end of 2007 when I looked at Danny and took a chance: Danny, do you want to die alone? He got very quiet and finally said NO! Several factors coalesced to make his transformation a reality…
Danny faced his terminal condition – he realized time was getting shorter. Suddenly, he was more motivated to deal with unfinished business more than ever before – especially the trail of his self-centered life that was strewn with shattered relationships! We decided to start with his family… Guess there is nothing like harsh reality and bitter suffering to give a prodigal a wakeup call!
Danny’s faith moved to front and center – his walk with God deepened. Our prayer times took on a deeper meaning. We read the Word together. We went to worship together. Danny began to act on his faith – joining me to feed the hungry at The Banquet in the inner city and collecting clothes for the homeless. Danny began to reach out to his family – he made amends at almost every point where he could. He discovered life in his spiritual journey with God…
Danny committed to a relationship – we invested in each other – we pursued a spiritual friendship. In the good times and bad, we told each other the truth – we were honest. We encouraged each other. We yelled at each other. We were thrilled with each other. Sometimes we never wanted to see each other again. We shared our lives with each other – we chose to walk our spiritual journeys TOGETHER! And, it made all the difference in BOTH of our lives…
In the end, Danny did not have to live alone or die alone – he was surrounded by family and friends – what a difference reconciliation makes…
One more afterword I would like to share. The bottom line message of Christian faith is life-change and transformation – the good news is that Christ followers become new creations. Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 5.17: What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A brand new life has begun! [NLT]. I have heard this all my life. I have preached this my entire ministry career. I have wished for it over and over – both in others and yes in myself as well. But, I have seldom actually experienced it. Sometimes I even wonder if it is true – I doubt whether or not it is even a possibility! Can people really change? Is the transformation of a human person even possible? Is the message really so?
Yes, I believe it is!
And I know this because I shared my life with Daniel D. #176957…
He began simply as my patient – 42 years old battling a male version of breast cancer that had metastasized throughout his entire body. But, after two years, Danny became my friend. A truly close friend – we mutually valued each other. When I was down, I usually headed his way for a visit.
Dan was a fighter – the powers that be in the medical world had told him he had six months to live – that was three years ago. But we knew something was wrong in mid-December – suddenly he lost his vision. The brain tumor was growing – it was pressing against his optic nerve. Right after the holidays he would need some palliative radiation to shrink the tumor. He had crashed before, but he always came back – Danny was the comeback kid…
Last weekend, he continued to worsen and wound up in the SCC HH 24. I just happened to be covering the HH for the last three days of 2008 since Bob was on vacation. Dan was the first person on my Monday morning list. I was shocked! Danny’s decline was remarkable! Suddenly the truth hit me like a ton of bricks – there wasn’t going to be a comeback this time. I was blessed to spend a lot of time with Danny and his family throughout the day as he slipped into an unconscious stupor.
I went directly to Cranberry #10 on Tuesday morning. A bunch of Dan’s family from Indiana had arrived and were sitting with him. He was gurgling as he fought for each breath – the death rattle. I sat with him until about 11 a.m. and then I went to visit other patients. I had a sinking feeling when the nurse came and got me – a crisis in #10. Danny died at 11.40 a.m. His family was gathered around – we hung out together until the body was picked up at 3 p.m. We told stories, we laughed and we cried together. Our hearts were broken – Danny was too young to die. And then, the family began to thank me! Danny talked about you all the time – he was a different person after he met you! We had given up on him – we had no contact – and you helped to bring him back into our lives. THANK YOU! I found it impossible to fight back the tears throughout the rest of the day…
So why did Danny get to me so deeply?
There were many reasons, but one stood out from all the others…
Danny really did change!
As recently as one year ago, he was scheduled to come to our house for Christmas dinner because he was so estranged from his family – no one wanted him around! When he wound up homeless last year, no one opened a door for him. What a difference a year makes! This year, Danny shared both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. His sister invited him to move into her house. And he died on December 30 surrounded by family and friends…
What brought about the change?
I trace it back to a kairos moment at the end of 2007 when I looked at Danny and took a chance: Danny, do you want to die alone? He got very quiet and finally said NO! Several factors coalesced to make his transformation a reality…
Danny faced his terminal condition – he realized time was getting shorter. Suddenly, he was more motivated to deal with unfinished business more than ever before – especially the trail of his self-centered life that was strewn with shattered relationships! We decided to start with his family… Guess there is nothing like harsh reality and bitter suffering to give a prodigal a wakeup call!
Danny’s faith moved to front and center – his walk with God deepened. Our prayer times took on a deeper meaning. We read the Word together. We went to worship together. Danny began to act on his faith – joining me to feed the hungry at The Banquet in the inner city and collecting clothes for the homeless. Danny began to reach out to his family – he made amends at almost every point where he could. He discovered life in his spiritual journey with God…
Danny committed to a relationship – we invested in each other – we pursued a spiritual friendship. In the good times and bad, we told each other the truth – we were honest. We encouraged each other. We yelled at each other. We were thrilled with each other. Sometimes we never wanted to see each other again. We shared our lives with each other – we chose to walk our spiritual journeys TOGETHER! And, it made all the difference in BOTH of our lives…
In the end, Danny did not have to live alone or die alone – he was surrounded by family and friends – what a difference reconciliation makes…
One more afterword I would like to share. The bottom line message of Christian faith is life-change and transformation – the good news is that Christ followers become new creations. Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 5.17: What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A brand new life has begun! [NLT]. I have heard this all my life. I have preached this my entire ministry career. I have wished for it over and over – both in others and yes in myself as well. But, I have seldom actually experienced it. Sometimes I even wonder if it is true – I doubt whether or not it is even a possibility! Can people really change? Is the transformation of a human person even possible? Is the message really so?
Yes, I believe it is!
And I know this because I shared my life with Daniel D. #176957…
SOLO for this thursday [in ybor city]
greetings!
wisdom prevailed and LOGIC -- we decided to start day 1 of SOLO on 1.1.2009 -- brilliant [thanks Nancy]!
this week [1.8.2009] -- please meet at Roma's on 7th avenue in ybor -- we will eat at 7 p.m.
this year -- THE FOOD IS FREE [thanks to some anonymous donors] -- come and enjoy pizza and salad and drink for NO CHARGE!!!
our format -- no "teacher" [in a formal sense] but DIALOGUE -- please read the first seven entries [days 1-7] and bring your thoughts for sharing with the community...
for those of you who came over on 1.1.2009 to our home and watched THE BUCKET LIST -- any further thoughts???
any luck in facing our very human fear of death???
what about living with the end in mind???
did anyone but me start a personal BUCKET LIST???
love ya!
guy
any questions about TH nights, please call me at 362.0172 -- feel free to bring friends...
wisdom prevailed and LOGIC -- we decided to start day 1 of SOLO on 1.1.2009 -- brilliant [thanks Nancy]!
this week [1.8.2009] -- please meet at Roma's on 7th avenue in ybor -- we will eat at 7 p.m.
this year -- THE FOOD IS FREE [thanks to some anonymous donors] -- come and enjoy pizza and salad and drink for NO CHARGE!!!
our format -- no "teacher" [in a formal sense] but DIALOGUE -- please read the first seven entries [days 1-7] and bring your thoughts for sharing with the community...
for those of you who came over on 1.1.2009 to our home and watched THE BUCKET LIST -- any further thoughts???
any luck in facing our very human fear of death???
what about living with the end in mind???
did anyone but me start a personal BUCKET LIST???
love ya!
guy
any questions about TH nights, please call me at 362.0172 -- feel free to bring friends...
surrender
the battle rages...my true self versus my false self...
my true self originates in the ZOE [spiritual] LIFE that comes from God -- that part of me that wants to SURRENDER all to God -- willingness to do his will and only his will [radically, totally and continually] -- focusing first and foremost on relational connection and pleasing God [not all the competing voices in my life]...
but, then there is my false self -- that part of me that wants to be God [or at least control my life and probably yours as well] - this tyrant pushes me toward willfulness -- my will is preeminent -- i become consumed by power, place, possessions, selfishness, etc.
this year, i want to face this battle and WIN -- live my life out of my true self -- moment-by-moment SURRENDERING my being to God -- what a statement of trust, humility, love...
to quote Dr Gary Moon, "maybe saying to God AS YOU WISH is the best way to really say I LOVE YOU!
so what does living out of my true self mean for MINISTRY in 2009...
consider this from Brennan Manning in REFLECTIONS FOR RAGAMUFFINS for 1.3.09: "Stubbornly to stand still when the Lord is clearly challenging us to growth is hardheartedness, infidelity, and a dangerous lack of trust. But to start trekking across the desert impulsively without the guidance of the cloud and fire is reckless folly. When God's call is not clarified and the inner voice remains indistinct, our restlessness and interior disquiet may be signaling a new exodus into greater openness, vulnerability, and compassion, a deeper purity of heart, a transformed mind and spirit. The landscape of the American church is littered with burned-out bodies and abortive ministries born of unhealthy guilt and fear of resisting God's will"
I am looking forward to the journey in 2009 -- my prayer is to listen and to live in SURRENDER!
my true self originates in the ZOE [spiritual] LIFE that comes from God -- that part of me that wants to SURRENDER all to God -- willingness to do his will and only his will [radically, totally and continually] -- focusing first and foremost on relational connection and pleasing God [not all the competing voices in my life]...
but, then there is my false self -- that part of me that wants to be God [or at least control my life and probably yours as well] - this tyrant pushes me toward willfulness -- my will is preeminent -- i become consumed by power, place, possessions, selfishness, etc.
this year, i want to face this battle and WIN -- live my life out of my true self -- moment-by-moment SURRENDERING my being to God -- what a statement of trust, humility, love...
to quote Dr Gary Moon, "maybe saying to God AS YOU WISH is the best way to really say I LOVE YOU!
so what does living out of my true self mean for MINISTRY in 2009...
consider this from Brennan Manning in REFLECTIONS FOR RAGAMUFFINS for 1.3.09: "Stubbornly to stand still when the Lord is clearly challenging us to growth is hardheartedness, infidelity, and a dangerous lack of trust. But to start trekking across the desert impulsively without the guidance of the cloud and fire is reckless folly. When God's call is not clarified and the inner voice remains indistinct, our restlessness and interior disquiet may be signaling a new exodus into greater openness, vulnerability, and compassion, a deeper purity of heart, a transformed mind and spirit. The landscape of the American church is littered with burned-out bodies and abortive ministries born of unhealthy guilt and fear of resisting God's will"
I am looking forward to the journey in 2009 -- my prayer is to listen and to live in SURRENDER!
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