greetings!
only 36 more days to go...
40 days is a long time for me -- what about you?
it seemed even longer back in the days when we fasted our way through lent...
even now, the lenten season is a long time -- i'm just saying...
it is saturday and here is what really spoke to me today from henri nouwen: "we tend to emphasize the distance between Jesus and ourselves. we see Jesus as the all-knowing and all-powerful Son of God who is unreachable for us sinful, broken human beings. but in thinking this way, we forget that Jesus came to give us his own life. he came to lift us up into loving community with the Father. only when we recognize the radical purpose of Jesus' ministry will we be able to understand the meaning of the spiritual life. EVERYTHING that belongs to Jesus is given for us to receive."
i want to believe this, but i am not sure i do...
"EVERYTHING that belongs to Jesus is given for us to receive!"
i too tend to focus [like nouwen] on the great distance between me and Jesus...
it is very difficult for me to even think of the promised closeness...my life being like the life of Jesus???
maybe i need to focus more on that during this season...
EVERYTHING is pretty broad -- let me start with three things that belong to Jesus that is given for us to receive...
1. the Father's blessing -- there is no doubt that we are loved unconditionally! we are truly the Father's beloved...
2. the Father's purpose -- we are called to something much bigger than ourselves! we are called to partner in the coming of the kingdom...
3. the Father's heart -- like Jesus, we learn obedience through the things we suffer! the apostle john quoted Jesus saying: "if you love me, you will keep my commandments [obedience]". suffering produces obedience which manifests love...
your thoughts???
love ya...
guy
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
day 3, lenten 2009
TGIF!
THANK GOD it is FRIDAY!
I am worn out...long day!
I am so torn about what to share today -- Henri outdid himself...
At first, I wanted to share his insights on the Incarnation as Jesus' descent into greatness -- the spiritual principle being DOWNWARD MOBILITY [rather than the upward mobility that our culture always seems to champion -- even in the church]...
But, I opted for the following quote because it spoke deeply to my journey today: "We are tempted to grasp rapid solutions instead of inquiring about the validity of the questions..."
Chew on that one a moment...
He continues: "Our inclination to put faith in any suggestion that promises quick healing is so great that it is not surprising that spiritual experiences are mushrooming all over the place and have become highly sought after commercial items. In our desperate need for fulfillment and our restless search for the experience of divine intimacy, we are all too prone to construct our own spiritual events. In our impatient culture, it has indeed become extremely difficult to see much salvation in waiting."
Today, I spent over an hour each with five terminally ill patients -- a man who can no longer speak due to brain cancer, an old man who just said no to chemo so his last few days will yield quality of life, an old woman living in a motorhome [being charged $650 per month in rent -- what a sin!] who was so short of breath that she couldn't talk and eat at the same time, an Alzheimer's patient who spent an hour walking aimlessly around her house trying to remember where she was [while I encouraged her husband of 33 years as he watches her "die in stages" right before his tearful eyes] and a broken old redneck from SC who is wasting away hoping for one more conversation with a wayward son so they can take care of some "unfinished business" so he can die in peace.
Pretty intense stuff...
None of these encounters lended themselves to "rapid solutions" -- there are NO easy and quick answers to pain like this...
I was better off today "inquiring about the validity of the questions" -- asking heartfelt questions and then LISTENING and LISTENING and LISTENING...
I am educated way beyond my intelligence -- high school, college, Master of Divinity, Master of Theology, Doctor of Ministry -- I kept on going to school because I wanted to have ANSWERS -- to be a pastor who could SOLVE people's problems.
I wanted to have ALL the right ANSWERS...
How arrogant!
I will be 50 before our lenten journey is over [3.19.09] and I have finally learned something profound -- asking the right QUESTIONS and LISTENING [really LISTENING] is better than treasuring the illusion of having ALL the RIGHT ANSWERS...
Questions...
Listening...
Closing our one mouth and opening our two ears...
WHO do YOU need to listen to today???
Blessings!
guy
THANK GOD it is FRIDAY!
I am worn out...long day!
I am so torn about what to share today -- Henri outdid himself...
At first, I wanted to share his insights on the Incarnation as Jesus' descent into greatness -- the spiritual principle being DOWNWARD MOBILITY [rather than the upward mobility that our culture always seems to champion -- even in the church]...
But, I opted for the following quote because it spoke deeply to my journey today: "We are tempted to grasp rapid solutions instead of inquiring about the validity of the questions..."
Chew on that one a moment...
He continues: "Our inclination to put faith in any suggestion that promises quick healing is so great that it is not surprising that spiritual experiences are mushrooming all over the place and have become highly sought after commercial items. In our desperate need for fulfillment and our restless search for the experience of divine intimacy, we are all too prone to construct our own spiritual events. In our impatient culture, it has indeed become extremely difficult to see much salvation in waiting."
Today, I spent over an hour each with five terminally ill patients -- a man who can no longer speak due to brain cancer, an old man who just said no to chemo so his last few days will yield quality of life, an old woman living in a motorhome [being charged $650 per month in rent -- what a sin!] who was so short of breath that she couldn't talk and eat at the same time, an Alzheimer's patient who spent an hour walking aimlessly around her house trying to remember where she was [while I encouraged her husband of 33 years as he watches her "die in stages" right before his tearful eyes] and a broken old redneck from SC who is wasting away hoping for one more conversation with a wayward son so they can take care of some "unfinished business" so he can die in peace.
Pretty intense stuff...
None of these encounters lended themselves to "rapid solutions" -- there are NO easy and quick answers to pain like this...
I was better off today "inquiring about the validity of the questions" -- asking heartfelt questions and then LISTENING and LISTENING and LISTENING...
I am educated way beyond my intelligence -- high school, college, Master of Divinity, Master of Theology, Doctor of Ministry -- I kept on going to school because I wanted to have ANSWERS -- to be a pastor who could SOLVE people's problems.
I wanted to have ALL the right ANSWERS...
How arrogant!
I will be 50 before our lenten journey is over [3.19.09] and I have finally learned something profound -- asking the right QUESTIONS and LISTENING [really LISTENING] is better than treasuring the illusion of having ALL the RIGHT ANSWERS...
Questions...
Listening...
Closing our one mouth and opening our two ears...
WHO do YOU need to listen to today???
Blessings!
guy
Thursday, February 26, 2009
day 2, lenten season 2009
Hope you have had a great Thursday...
Mine was very busy -- I saw patients all day long -- what a blessing...
I started early this a.m. with Nouwen's words: "A life of faith is a life of gratitude -- it means a life in which I am willing to experience my complete dependence upon God and to praise and thank him unceasingly for the gift of being. A truly eucharistic life means always saying thanks to God, always praising God, and always being more surprised by the abundance of God's goodness and love. How can such a life not also be a joyful life?"
I saw this Nouwen quote COME ALIVE today in my visits...
I spent my day with five terminal patients -- ranging from their 40s to their 80s -- all expected to die within six months. But all had something to teach me today -- maybe even more than Henri in his lenten devotional...
So what happened...
First of all -- GRATITUDE! These people are dying and yet their lives are overflowing with APPRECIATION to God and others... Their glasses are HALF FULL [rather than half empty]!
Second of all -- TRUST! My teachers today have moved beyond the illusion of control and are fully turning their lives over to God as they grow in understanding of his unconditional love... They are LETTING GO and LETTING GOD!
Finally, I was surprised by JOY! Their powerful sense of well-being is NOT rooted in their circumstances [pretty crappy], but in their relationship with God. They are gripped by AUDACIOUS HOPE!
In closing...
I asked a 49 year old grandma today [she is dying due to bone cancer]: "How do you keep your spirit up with all this stuff going on?"
Her response: "Chaplain Guy, in my spirit, I am like a FISH -- when I get in bad waters, I just turn and swim the other way! I just keep on swimming toward Jesus -- then, I am always OK!"
Ready to go for a swim???
"See" you tomorrow,
guy
Mine was very busy -- I saw patients all day long -- what a blessing...
I started early this a.m. with Nouwen's words: "A life of faith is a life of gratitude -- it means a life in which I am willing to experience my complete dependence upon God and to praise and thank him unceasingly for the gift of being. A truly eucharistic life means always saying thanks to God, always praising God, and always being more surprised by the abundance of God's goodness and love. How can such a life not also be a joyful life?"
I saw this Nouwen quote COME ALIVE today in my visits...
I spent my day with five terminal patients -- ranging from their 40s to their 80s -- all expected to die within six months. But all had something to teach me today -- maybe even more than Henri in his lenten devotional...
So what happened...
First of all -- GRATITUDE! These people are dying and yet their lives are overflowing with APPRECIATION to God and others... Their glasses are HALF FULL [rather than half empty]!
Second of all -- TRUST! My teachers today have moved beyond the illusion of control and are fully turning their lives over to God as they grow in understanding of his unconditional love... They are LETTING GO and LETTING GOD!
Finally, I was surprised by JOY! Their powerful sense of well-being is NOT rooted in their circumstances [pretty crappy], but in their relationship with God. They are gripped by AUDACIOUS HOPE!
In closing...
I asked a 49 year old grandma today [she is dying due to bone cancer]: "How do you keep your spirit up with all this stuff going on?"
Her response: "Chaplain Guy, in my spirit, I am like a FISH -- when I get in bad waters, I just turn and swim the other way! I just keep on swimming toward Jesus -- then, I am always OK!"
Ready to go for a swim???
"See" you tomorrow,
guy
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
ash wednesday, day 1, Lent 2009
For my journey this Lenten season, I am reading Henri Nouwen's book SHOW ME THE WAY: READINGS FOR EACH DAY OF LENT...
I ordered it from Amazon on Sunday and PTL -- it arrived TODAY [on Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent 2009]...
Could not wait to dive into the book tonight...
I can so identify with Nouwen's words: "I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, human respect, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life."
Lent is a season of mourning over our brokenness, sins and falling short...
But, there is a danger in focusing too much on our SIN...
Nouwen says that our guilt "can lead to so much introspection that we direct our eyes to it rather than God. It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride. Lent is the time to break down this idol and to direct our attention to our loving Lord. The real question is 'are we like Judas, who was so overcome by his sin that he could not believe in God's mercy any longer and hanged himself, or are we like Peter who returned to his Lord with true repentance and cried bitterly for his sins?' The season of Lent, during which winter and spring struggle with each other for dominance, helps us in a special way to cry out for God's mercy."
Hope you will join me in this spiritual journey toward Easter 2009...
I ordered it from Amazon on Sunday and PTL -- it arrived TODAY [on Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent 2009]...
Could not wait to dive into the book tonight...
I can so identify with Nouwen's words: "I am still so divided. I truly want to follow you, but I also want to follow my own desires and lend an ear to the voices that speak about prestige, success, human respect, pleasure, power, and influence. Help me to become deaf to these voices and more attentive to your voice, which calls me to choose the narrow road to life."
Lent is a season of mourning over our brokenness, sins and falling short...
But, there is a danger in focusing too much on our SIN...
Nouwen says that our guilt "can lead to so much introspection that we direct our eyes to it rather than God. It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride. Lent is the time to break down this idol and to direct our attention to our loving Lord. The real question is 'are we like Judas, who was so overcome by his sin that he could not believe in God's mercy any longer and hanged himself, or are we like Peter who returned to his Lord with true repentance and cried bitterly for his sins?' The season of Lent, during which winter and spring struggle with each other for dominance, helps us in a special way to cry out for God's mercy."
Hope you will join me in this spiritual journey toward Easter 2009...
getting ready for LENT...
May these words from Henri Nouwen guide me through the next 40 days of Lent...
"Praying means above all listening to the voice of Jesus, who dwells in the depths of the heart. Jesus does not force himself on us, his voice is reserved. Whatever we may do in our lives, let us never fail to listen to the voice of the Lord in our hearts. Because in our restless, noisy world the loving voice of God is easily drowned out. Each day let us keep a certain period of time free for this active listening to God, even if it is only ten minutes. Spending ten minutes every day exclusively on Jesus can change our lives from the ground up..."
I'll vote for THAT this Lenten season -- my life being changed from the ground up!
"Praying means above all listening to the voice of Jesus, who dwells in the depths of the heart. Jesus does not force himself on us, his voice is reserved. Whatever we may do in our lives, let us never fail to listen to the voice of the Lord in our hearts. Because in our restless, noisy world the loving voice of God is easily drowned out. Each day let us keep a certain period of time free for this active listening to God, even if it is only ten minutes. Spending ten minutes every day exclusively on Jesus can change our lives from the ground up..."
I'll vote for THAT this Lenten season -- my life being changed from the ground up!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Incarnation and incarnational ministry...
The Incarnation and incarnational ministry…
The first I – the capital I – is probably the foremost doctrine of the Christian faith. It is the theological centerpiece which details God’s plan of redemption for humankind – the shocking mystery of the infinite and relentless Lover taking on real human flesh and moving into our declining neighborhood to rescue us. And, the big I is the spiritual reason for the Christmas season [and all the goodies that go along with this holyday]…
The second i – the lowercase i – is a ministry model which finds its origin and grounding in the big I. A way of doing ministry which traces its motivation, methodology and meaning back to the archetypal event of God’s self-revelation in the person and work of Jesus Messiah – the reasoning is that what was good enough for God is likewise good enough for his followers. In the words of Jesus [the Incarnate God] to his followers [including us] in John 20.21: As the Father has sent me, I also send you! I am using the little i as my guiding rubric for my theory of pastoral care. I find this model to be a welcomed means of profound affinity, immense affirmation, inclusive blessing, deeply spiritual presence and radical identification with all that it means to be a human person.
Alan Hirsch in The Forgotten Ways concurs: The Incarnation not only qualifies God’s acts in the world, but also qualifies ours. If God’s central way of reaching his world was to incarnate himself in Jesus, then our way of reaching the world should likewise be incarnational.
In an earlier reflection, I shared five seminal thoughts regarding the nature of incarnational ministry: [1] Jesus came to us where we are – his arms were inclusive enough to welcome everyone; [2] Jesus became like us – he was clothed with authentic human flesh; [3] Jesus spoke our language – he spoke in a way we humans could understand; [4] Jesus identified with us on our turf – he lived in the ‘hood with us; and [5] Jesus loved us to safety and then sent us out in his name to do the same.
Last week, I shared examples of what this might look like in three ministry opportunities: [1] the motivation for incarnational ministry being Jesus’ admonition to go and visit the sick [in Matthew 25]; [2] the commitment to be there [as a pastoral presence] inclusively for anyone and everyone [within healthy boundaries]; [3] the competence to do something very intentional while there [from the gut and through the leading of the Holy Spirit and as a trained reflective practitioner], [4] the satisfaction of defining success as faithfulness; and [5] the mindset being humble servanthood [as defined by Jesus lifestyle in Philippians 2] whereby I [as a broken vessel] seek to represent God’s holistic love to his children by being his hands, his feet, his voice, his eyes, his ears, his embrace, his heart – Jesus in human flesh… Always pointing people past my imperfection to the awe of God’s perfection!
Five thoughts in finishing this reflection: [1] appropriate humility [including wise boundaries and cultural sensitivity] can empower one to be incarnational in ministry without projecting a Messiah complex; [2] showing up remains a major component to faithful ministry; [3] authenticity of personhood frees one to be the difference [and not think one must always make the difference; [4] experience empowers one to be excellent, competent and sensitive without excessive planning or personal agendas [e.g. the 10,000 hour theory] and personal gut health is critical if one is to be fully present [window down], responsive to the wise leadings of the Spirit [seasoned by prayer, meditation and formative practices] and intuitive / connecting in the pastoral relationship [listening prayer].
For further thought – how is God experienced in an incarnational ministry encounter? First of all, the pastor’s personhood brings God into the event. Secondly, the pastor realizes that God is already present – s/he both brings God and encounters God’s active work in the patient. The ultimate encounter always occurs in communities of healing [hopefully our IDGs as we offer leadership]...
The first I – the capital I – is probably the foremost doctrine of the Christian faith. It is the theological centerpiece which details God’s plan of redemption for humankind – the shocking mystery of the infinite and relentless Lover taking on real human flesh and moving into our declining neighborhood to rescue us. And, the big I is the spiritual reason for the Christmas season [and all the goodies that go along with this holyday]…
The second i – the lowercase i – is a ministry model which finds its origin and grounding in the big I. A way of doing ministry which traces its motivation, methodology and meaning back to the archetypal event of God’s self-revelation in the person and work of Jesus Messiah – the reasoning is that what was good enough for God is likewise good enough for his followers. In the words of Jesus [the Incarnate God] to his followers [including us] in John 20.21: As the Father has sent me, I also send you! I am using the little i as my guiding rubric for my theory of pastoral care. I find this model to be a welcomed means of profound affinity, immense affirmation, inclusive blessing, deeply spiritual presence and radical identification with all that it means to be a human person.
Alan Hirsch in The Forgotten Ways concurs: The Incarnation not only qualifies God’s acts in the world, but also qualifies ours. If God’s central way of reaching his world was to incarnate himself in Jesus, then our way of reaching the world should likewise be incarnational.
In an earlier reflection, I shared five seminal thoughts regarding the nature of incarnational ministry: [1] Jesus came to us where we are – his arms were inclusive enough to welcome everyone; [2] Jesus became like us – he was clothed with authentic human flesh; [3] Jesus spoke our language – he spoke in a way we humans could understand; [4] Jesus identified with us on our turf – he lived in the ‘hood with us; and [5] Jesus loved us to safety and then sent us out in his name to do the same.
Last week, I shared examples of what this might look like in three ministry opportunities: [1] the motivation for incarnational ministry being Jesus’ admonition to go and visit the sick [in Matthew 25]; [2] the commitment to be there [as a pastoral presence] inclusively for anyone and everyone [within healthy boundaries]; [3] the competence to do something very intentional while there [from the gut and through the leading of the Holy Spirit and as a trained reflective practitioner], [4] the satisfaction of defining success as faithfulness; and [5] the mindset being humble servanthood [as defined by Jesus lifestyle in Philippians 2] whereby I [as a broken vessel] seek to represent God’s holistic love to his children by being his hands, his feet, his voice, his eyes, his ears, his embrace, his heart – Jesus in human flesh… Always pointing people past my imperfection to the awe of God’s perfection!
Five thoughts in finishing this reflection: [1] appropriate humility [including wise boundaries and cultural sensitivity] can empower one to be incarnational in ministry without projecting a Messiah complex; [2] showing up remains a major component to faithful ministry; [3] authenticity of personhood frees one to be the difference [and not think one must always make the difference; [4] experience empowers one to be excellent, competent and sensitive without excessive planning or personal agendas [e.g. the 10,000 hour theory] and personal gut health is critical if one is to be fully present [window down], responsive to the wise leadings of the Spirit [seasoned by prayer, meditation and formative practices] and intuitive / connecting in the pastoral relationship [listening prayer].
For further thought – how is God experienced in an incarnational ministry encounter? First of all, the pastor’s personhood brings God into the event. Secondly, the pastor realizes that God is already present – s/he both brings God and encounters God’s active work in the patient. The ultimate encounter always occurs in communities of healing [hopefully our IDGs as we offer leadership]...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
sunday in the park...
Sunday morning in the park…
The plan for the tampa underground was to be in our new building – an old warehouse on the strip [7th Avenue] in Ybor City – for Sunday gathering beginning Sunday, 2.8.09. It almost happened – except for the city of Tampa…
The contract was signed over a week ago – a real miracle for us – to find a 20,000 square feet home in Ybor that we could afford. I guess there are some advantages to a down economy. Last Sunday, we bid goodbye to our temporary home – the HCC Performing Arts Theater – and were ready to move on. The theater was very nice – way too nice – it never really felt like home to us. Our passion is to reach the poorest of the poor in the hidden places of our city – we needed a more appropriate home. We thought we had found it in our warehouse at the corner of 7th Avenue and 13th Street in Ybor…
Then came the barriers that radically challenged our dream – the man confronted our youthful exuberance. Not enough bathrooms – you must provide more. Where are the sprinklers – you must provide a safety system in case of fire. OK, these seemed reasonable enough. We want to serve our people well and we want our kids to be safe. But then, the biggie – a zoning issue… The zoning is fine for ANY assembly of people EXCEPT for the purpose of public worship – NO public worship allowed!
So, what are we to do?
The big picture is still fuzzy and unsure – but what about THIS SUNDAY?
The answer – outdoor worship in Borrell Park – the homeless park in the ‘hood. The text simply said: Join us in Borrell Park from 11-1 and bring food so we can share a meal together. I contacted all the folks in our home church with the change in plans and we started to plan – something told me to bring some EXTRA for the homeless who would be hanging out on the fringes of the park.
We decided on hotdogs, chips, drinks and potato salad…
When we arrived, we sat down at a table with friends and spread out our food. At the edge of the park, I spotted some gentlemen who were sizing us up – there were four guys lounging on some park benches. They were looking at us, but NOT coming our way…
I fixed four hotdogs on a plate and headed out to meet the guys. One left abruptly saying he wanted nothing to do with us. But, Willie from LA, Willie from Seattle and Donnie from FL were thrilled with the dogs. In fact, soon they were ready for more – they soon found their way over to our table [with some of their friends who joined in]. Way too soon, our loaves and fishes were gone [and I couldn’t pray more into existence]. Our home church lamented: Why didn’t we fix more?
In retrospect, next time I will bring a grill and cook up a load of dawgs for anyone who is hungry. But today, I am filled with the joy of knowing we did this church thing kinda like Jesus would. Outdoors – NO walls to separate! Hungry people heard the Word of life and had their stomachs filled as well! The Good News was both shared and demonstrated. I am sure the experience tasted great for Willie, Willie, Donnie and their friends – no doubt they experienced God’s love in a very practical way…
My biggest regret – I ate one of those tasty dawgs [loaded with mustard] – wish I would have saved it for one of the guys we had to turn away…
The plan for the tampa underground was to be in our new building – an old warehouse on the strip [7th Avenue] in Ybor City – for Sunday gathering beginning Sunday, 2.8.09. It almost happened – except for the city of Tampa…
The contract was signed over a week ago – a real miracle for us – to find a 20,000 square feet home in Ybor that we could afford. I guess there are some advantages to a down economy. Last Sunday, we bid goodbye to our temporary home – the HCC Performing Arts Theater – and were ready to move on. The theater was very nice – way too nice – it never really felt like home to us. Our passion is to reach the poorest of the poor in the hidden places of our city – we needed a more appropriate home. We thought we had found it in our warehouse at the corner of 7th Avenue and 13th Street in Ybor…
Then came the barriers that radically challenged our dream – the man confronted our youthful exuberance. Not enough bathrooms – you must provide more. Where are the sprinklers – you must provide a safety system in case of fire. OK, these seemed reasonable enough. We want to serve our people well and we want our kids to be safe. But then, the biggie – a zoning issue… The zoning is fine for ANY assembly of people EXCEPT for the purpose of public worship – NO public worship allowed!
So, what are we to do?
The big picture is still fuzzy and unsure – but what about THIS SUNDAY?
The answer – outdoor worship in Borrell Park – the homeless park in the ‘hood. The text simply said: Join us in Borrell Park from 11-1 and bring food so we can share a meal together. I contacted all the folks in our home church with the change in plans and we started to plan – something told me to bring some EXTRA for the homeless who would be hanging out on the fringes of the park.
We decided on hotdogs, chips, drinks and potato salad…
When we arrived, we sat down at a table with friends and spread out our food. At the edge of the park, I spotted some gentlemen who were sizing us up – there were four guys lounging on some park benches. They were looking at us, but NOT coming our way…
I fixed four hotdogs on a plate and headed out to meet the guys. One left abruptly saying he wanted nothing to do with us. But, Willie from LA, Willie from Seattle and Donnie from FL were thrilled with the dogs. In fact, soon they were ready for more – they soon found their way over to our table [with some of their friends who joined in]. Way too soon, our loaves and fishes were gone [and I couldn’t pray more into existence]. Our home church lamented: Why didn’t we fix more?
In retrospect, next time I will bring a grill and cook up a load of dawgs for anyone who is hungry. But today, I am filled with the joy of knowing we did this church thing kinda like Jesus would. Outdoors – NO walls to separate! Hungry people heard the Word of life and had their stomachs filled as well! The Good News was both shared and demonstrated. I am sure the experience tasted great for Willie, Willie, Donnie and their friends – no doubt they experienced God’s love in a very practical way…
My biggest regret – I ate one of those tasty dawgs [loaded with mustard] – wish I would have saved it for one of the guys we had to turn away…
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